Gift from Klaudea @ Lemon Pie

A delightful gift came in the mail last week. Free pr0n!

mmmmm, bewbez

Actually, it’s an original ink painting done by Klaudea of Lemon Pie.

Klaudea had selected me as a winner of her recent Valentine’s Day giveaway, for Most Inspirational Female Blogger. As a prize, I received this beautiful ink painting. It looks more like it deserves to be hung in a wealthy art collector’s loft than in our humble abode.

Most Inspirational! Me! I am still having a hard time saying that out loud. It doesn’t sound like me, haha. When I read Klaudea’s e-mail, which detailed the reasons why she had chosen me, I was speechless and even incredulous. Maybe it’s because I’m not that person, yet, and I have to keep striving to be that person. However, I’m just soaking in elation to know that I’ve helped someone to be a little happier about herself. So, I’ve propped up the painting by my vanity mirror, not only because it’s so pleasant to look at, but also as a daily reminder of person that I want to become. So, thank you, Klaudea! It’s readers and bloggers like you who keep GoldfishCake alive.

Although the original plan was to stay in this house until June, we now find ourselves in a time crunch to find a new place and move out by the end of the month. I had decided I’d forget about Korea for a while and just focus on finding a job.

Suddenly, I found myself bombarded with all kind of irrational fears about this. I dread interviews more than anything in the world. I’m worried about how the UARS would affect my job performance on a full-time work schedule. I fear rejection. Also, why is my resume as lame as ever? It seems like the only thing I can change is to put a BA and graduation date under “Education”. I’m sickened by the thought that I might end up working retail again, feeding the very disease of consumerism that I hate, convincing innocent buyers that I care for them and that is why I KNOW they need this product that they never needed in the first place. I’m freaking out at the thought of lining the pockets of The Man while only a small percentage of my labor is rewarded (wtf Marxist Paranoia?).

How not to build a resume.

Like I said, these are all irrational and incredibly silly trepidations. I mean, seriously, Alienman. Resentment towards The Man should not stop me from trying to make money altogether. Yet, the trepidation and doubts ring so loud in my mind that I can’t focus on what I should be writing under my list of Skills and Experience. It’s as if I’m looking for any sort of excuse to convince myself that taking a step forward is not worth it. Maybe I’m just lazy.

In the meantime, it seems that everyone who know me truly seem to believe in me. My professor was quite ready to be included in my list of references, even reassuring me that, “Anyone would be lucky to work with you.” In addition there are people like you guys and Klaudea, practically strangers, calling me “an inspiration” and associating me with courage and a charming personality. In truth, I feel anything but courageous.

Why am I such a harsh critic of myself? Clearly, this self-doubt is NOT motivating me at all and it is only delaying my process of self-improvement. I need to stop being a baby about this.

Thanks to you guys, however, I’m inching forward. I’ve decided that my resume is finished, after all. It’s time to take the next step.

…but first, I will finish this round of Bejeweled Blitz.

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