A man starts off deciding he is a good man because he makes good decisions. Next thing, he’s convinced that whatever decision he makes must be good because he’s a good man. Most of the wars in the world are caused by people who think they have God on their side.
-Helen Fielding in Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination
What frightens me about my mother’s actions and attitudes is that she truly believes that they are all committed with God’s approval. In her eyes, she is a good woman who only meant the best when she tried to take my freewill and claim it as hers to control. The flaw with many Christians is that they forget that it is not in their place to claim another’s freewill, which God himself has granted lassez-faire. So, they deem it their God-given right to force their policies upon the intimate lifestyles of others.
I have not completely denounced Catholicism but it has been years since I’ve last attended mass. I make the sign of the cross at the dinner table just to ensure there is less conflict with my mother but this is easy because I spend no more than an evening per week with the family.
Months ago, I gave up on arguing to keep my freewill because those arguments fell on deaf ears. It was scary to see that I could speak entire paragraphs to my parents and they would only hear what they chose to hear. I could be telling them, word for word, that they made me want to kill myself and they would still insist that I needed them to help me get over my emotional breakdowns. I would tell them I needed distance from them because, right now, their presence in my life was nothing but damaging. My mother’s reaction would merely be to express worry that I sounded sick and that she wanted to take me to a doctor. If I ever were to find that my own eyes and ears were shut to something that should be so difficult to overlook, I don’t know how I might deal with it.
So, I stopped arguing and, instead, chose to fight them off without feeling the need to explain. It’s almost peaceful to no longer feel the frustration of being unable to explain my cause, as I know now that there is no use in explaining anything. As long as I know what I must do for myself, there is no need to tell them what I need.
In reclaiming my own rights and privileges, I became bolder with exposing myself to my parents. As far as school was concerned, I no longer had to soften the edges when telling them I was screwed. I did not have to lie about my relationship with Zachary and it was actually great to be able to tell them with a broad grin that I would be spending a week in Vegas with just him. A part of me always waited for them, almost dared them, to say what they wanted with the risk of losing me.
Thus, our relationship has been redefined. They no longer try to intrude upon my life. They’ve been nothing but kind and loving to the boyfriend. Of course, he still refuses to trust them after seeing first-hand how much they’ve hurt me, but he puts up with them to keep me happy. My mom still sends an occasional e-mail in her sickening “sweet and loving” tone, but every time she does, I don’t communicate with her for days further. They are extremely careful about how they speak to me and all their efforts are now in keeping me comfortable in their company.
For, I discovered that I had the upper hand when I saw that they would rather lose their control over me than to lose me altogether. I saw then that, in their own sick way, their love was true. As long as I made sure to stay wary of their harmful love, I could keep myself protected. I still can’t stand to spend more than a few hours per week with them and I would never allow myself to trust them further.
So, their conditions of love have certainly changed. For once, they would rather see me healthy and happy. This is something they used to say but we Daughters of Asia know that our parents are lying if they are saying this because they always expect so much more. This time, my parents have no choice but to wish this.
There are different sides to everyone. I know that I’ve demonized my parents in my blog and have made them out to be far worse people than they really are. While nothing I’ve written was embellished, I know that this side to them does not fully define who they are to me. There is a reason why I choose to continue loving them and I do feel bad that I’ve disclosed this intimate, yet unfavorable, part of them. I don’t know what compelled me to expose all this because I certainly didn’t do it for myself. Maybe I was compelled and moved by the pains of my younger peers, who are experiencing the same things and are scared to move forward. If this is so, then I do hope that such young women who find this blog find the courage within themselves.
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I think it takes time for parents to let go. It’s sad to say, but at my age, I’m just NOW getting ‘freedom’ really. But I’m glad hear that you have found peace with your parents.
And I agree, I’m sure you’re parents aren’t bad as it seems written out like that. I know if I described my parents, some would probably think they’re insane, controlling lunatics! My mom might be better described positively as overly protective, lol.
Well I’m glad that you’ve figured out how to deal with your parent in your own way. And that you’ve found your owen happiness on your own terms.
Love ya mah twin!
I don’t think you’re parents are horrible but probably because I truly understand what you mean. Through the years of physical and emotional abuse I still refuse to cut contact from my mother. Why? Because she’s my mother and I only get one.
I do exactly what you do, distance myself from her. I still have major issues in life because of my experiences but I’ll take the time to learn. I’m still years behind all my peers in terms of self knowledge because I spent most of my childhood just surviving but I’ll take the time to learn.
At the end of the day our parents are the only ones we have and although they have no right to claim us as their own (because we are our own person) they do have the right to make mistakes.
I’m glad your relationship is still salvaged. I see so many children disown their parents only to place themselves in a life of bitterness and misery. You have learned to let go and move on. There are very few people who are able to truly understand this.
Good for you sweetheart
Continue moving on.
#@%!$%@#^# GRRRR. I tried to post my comment, but it got erased -EXASPERATED SIGH- So, what I said is….your parents seem like very conservative traditional koreans like my parents. And that, I think you are a very very strong person for moving out to live on your own. A part of me wishes I could live on my own, but I live at home with the rents. A part of me likes living at home cause I like being able to spend time with my parents..but sometimes they really get on my last nerves. For example, one of the reasons they don’t accept my boyfriend is because he is not korean. He is of northern european descent. This makes me really sad…what do you think I should do? )= It’s quite difficult for me to try to juggle my bf, and my parents…I mean..how am I suppose to balance out my personal life when the people who are suppose to support me the most..doesn’t (unless I do exactly what they want)? Sorry for the rant…and the grammar…wrote this in a rush. But..anyhoo..I feel ya! I totally do!!!
yay there’s a happy ending after all! i’m so happy for you…i can totally relate, i knew my parents loved me, but their strictness and overbearing nature just seemed so oppressive at the time…it wasn’t until the end of college that my father finally admitted that he was wrong in the way he handled the situation…the only way we were able to do this was me taking a step back and trying not to argue all the time, but sticking up for myself at the same time…daughters of asia, yes we are! love yah girl!
I’m glad to hear that your relationship with your parents has improved. I think we all demonize our parents one way or another, seeing only the bad side when things are bad and seeing little bits of goodness when things are stable/good. Distancing myself from my parents seems to be the only way I can have a civil relationship with them…which proves to be incredibly frustrating at times, especially right now.
Daughter of Asia indeed!
Hi. I hope you’re feeling better and sleeping better!!!
Just to share my story…
Unable to handle my mother’s disillusioned accusations, vocal threats and abuse,
I moved out for the first time when I was 20. Up until then she has called me every
name in the book, including ‘slut’ and ‘thief’. I had quit school, had to work full-time
and had a dead-beat boyfriend. I got myself into a lot of trouble, but I refused to
go back to my family.
Fast-forward two years, I moved back home, but only for two or three months.
My mom hadn’t changed at ALL. So I move out again, this time I moved in with my
friend from high school for a year. I was always broke and hungry.
Desperate for a better life, one year later, I ended up marrying my boyfriend at the time
(who was also no good and dumb) and moved to SD. I REFUSED to live with my mother again.
It was my only way out. Of course that didn’t go well. After brushes with the law,
and calls made to women’s shelters, I decided to give up and move back to Tokyo…but then my father had passed away, along with the buffer between my mother and I.
My mother and I fought on a daily basis, mostly her blaming me for my father’s death,
and how I brought shame to the family for coming back.
So…I left again. I completely stopped talking to my mother, didn’t bother telling her
where I lived or with whom. A year passed without calls, e-mails or any form of contact.
My boyfriend and I realized that a lot of my pain and anger was rooted deep in
the fact that a fundamental relationship in my life was missing. He encouraged
me to start talking to my mother again. It took me at least two months to e-mail
my mother hello.
This year has been a year of improvements filled with happy tears for me.
My mother has finally realized that she needs to start being a nicer person,
and to begin being that way with her own daughters. Though she still has her days
where she says irrational things and makes my sisters cry, she’s a different person.
She’s happier, and has realized that she made some serious mistakes while raising me.
I recently moved back in with her,and so far, it’s the best choice I’ve made in a long time.
I am afraid that our relationship will turn sour again or she’ll betray me, but I remain
hopeful (not sure if that’s the correct word to use in this context) that
she’ll remain fair and happy.
Girl, you are lucky. Don’t wallow in pity. It will only hurt you.
You have a man that loves you to death, and has seen and supported you
in your darkest hours. You are (relatively) healthy. You have the
opportunity to go back to school. There is so much hope and success
waiting in front of you!!! Although I don’t know you, I’m cheering you on.
Try being indifferent towards your family’s craziness, and keep
limiting the time you spend with them.
Sorry this got extremely long, but I want you to know that you are not
alone. My relationship with my boyfriend ended recently, and I am still learning
and trying to improve myself everyday. I turn to books by Anthony Robbins (corny!),
blogs and trustworthy friends for solace. Talking to my mother every evening
about mundane, silly things helps too.
I don’t wish for you to make ammends with your family any time soon. I just
hope will be able to move on with YOUR own life and education.
Crap, I’m 26, and I plan on going back to school in 2010! I’ll be the oldest
person in my classes (T__T)
Thank you for sharing your essays. They mean a lot to me, I see myself and
BIG HUGS!
my struggles in them too. I wish you the best of luck
yay there's a happy ending after all! i'm so happy for you…i can totally relate, i knew my parents loved me, but their strictness and overbearing nature just seemed so oppressive at the time…it wasn't until the end of college that my father finally admitted that he was wrong in the way he handled the situation…the only way we were able to do this was me taking a step back and trying not to argue all the time, but sticking up for myself at the same time…daughters of asia, yes we are! love yah girl!