This is the rest of the petition I e-mailed to my advisor for revision, continued from Pt. 1
My relationship with my parents has been redefined over the past months and I do plan on discussing this in a future entry.
My main reason for sharing this with you ladies is that I hope this encourages you to share your pains rather than let them go buried. If you’re still uncomfortable with disclosing such intimate details, wait as long as you need. However, don’t hold yourself back if you’re aching to talk to someone. I’ve been reading all your blogs, and I’m glad that some of you have already shown courage and let your pains be heard. Depression and suicide rates are ridiculously high among Asian women but little is being done about it because we are to ashamed to talk about what really hurt us.
Thanks for reading all this and for your words of sympathy and encouragement. Do not fear that your comments have gotten long. I personally love lengthy comments 
Continued from previous entry Daughter of Asia.
This was when I first attempted to leave them. However, thanks to my friend backing out on me at the last minute, they managed to take hold of me and I lost the chance to leave them. It was then that my mother told me that she had cancer again, that she had come to spend her last days with me. I would later find out that she had lied.
Eventually, both my parents returned to Korea to prepare for a permanent move. Just before Fall 2007, my brother was sent to live with me, again. My mother had insisted that he had changed. He had not. When he started kicking doors, throwing heavy objects at the walls and vocalizing threats and profane insults, I left for good.
Soon my parents moved back to Eugene. They did not cease to send e-mails and voicemails meant to pressure me with guilt and shame. After attempting to focus on classes for the first three days of Fall 2007, I ceased going to campus altogether. I did not even get out of bed to withdraw from those courses. I had also developed an anxiety that made me jump and cower every time the phone rang. For weeks at a time, my phone was turned off. What little sleep I could collect was riddled with nightmares about my family. On several occasions, my boyfriend saved me from hurting myself.
It wasn’t until this past summer and fall that I had the courage to set foot on campus. Academic Advisor Lyllye Parker has been so gracious to hear my case and agree to fight with me to help me get back on track. She agrees that I should wait until I am emotionally stable. It was she, however, who saw that I had a good case to petition for a withdrawal. She understands, as I hope the rest of the committee would, that in spite of my faltering weaknesses, I am a good student who takes her academic life seriously. I wish to continue working with her to get back on track and stay on it.
I am putting a lot of work into mentally, emotionally and physically preparing myself to resume my academic life. My relationship with my family is nothing like what it was my past lifetime. I’m investing in daily light therapy sessions to fix my circadian rhythm. I’m reaching out to all available forms of help – Lyllye Parker, who chose to believe in me the first day she met me; my boyfriend who held me close during my darkest hours and made sure I survived each frightening day; my therapist at the Center for Family Therapy, whom I’ve been seeing since June… and now I reach out to you. I ask that you overlook my audacity for another chance, but look upon my progresses and the testimonies of those who believe in me. Although I have learned that I am a person of weaknesses, I know that such weaknesses do not define me as a whole.
I am alienman. Writing a small blurb about myself is the hardest thing to do. "Blurb" is a funny word.
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Well I’m glad you had the BF through most of this. And I still stand by what I said in my first comment.
In order to lighten things up a bit… Tell me more about this “light therapy”…
wow hon i had no idea…this is so therapeutic for you to release this…i’m proud of you…
It takes a lot to realize one’s own weakness and do something about it, and for that I really applaud you.
Thank goodness there are so many people willing to help and stand by you, I’m so happy for that!
This post makes me so sad, I wanna cry…
For all those times I thought my parents just wanted what’s best for themselves,
all those times that I doubted whether my parents love me,
you just made me realize how stupid I am for thinking those things.
Thank you for sharing this.. I can’t express how deeply this impacts me.
This is exactly what I’m like right now. I’ve missed about 3 months of school already and Idk what the hell I’m doing or wtf im meant to do.
Crap.
I understand how you feel, a bit, having Korean parents too. I might be my mom’s greatest disappointment in life, really. At least, that’s what I’m told on a daily basis. So, don’t feel alone.
It takes unbelievable strength and will to live and survive what has happened to you. And that is not only admirable, but incredibly inspiring. I wish the best of luck to you in school and all your future life endeavors!
I have faith in you. I’ve been down that road. I’m 32, mother of three, and returning to
complete my undergrad degree this coming June.
Oops, I meant January. =D
I’m so glad you found that strength to face those demons. I too, had my boyfriend to pull me out of my neverending self destruction. I am still recovering too though and my depression has caused me to go from straight A student to barely passing any course. I am so glad that I am not the only one struggling with attendance and that it does not make me a lazy horrible person. I am always afraid I would be judged for my lack of attendance and it becomes a vicious cycle. I miss a few classes, get embarassed about them, think I’m just a waste of space anyway and plain drop out.
I’m so happy for you, and know that we all are here for you. Your posts are always so insightful and I love all the different sides of you! You have huge talents in both the arts and writing (which is also an art *^^*) and you are obviously a very intelligent individual who will only become stronger with your struggles.
Keep it up sweetheart. We’re all cheering for you
Klaud.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Its strange, I remember those events you mentioned on ABB, like your parents coming to stay with you and the apartment getting burglarized but I had no idea there was so much more stress in your life at that time. I’m glad that you’ve found a supportive advisor to help you as you definitely deserve another chance! I’ve read and enjoyed every single one of your posts from ABB and here (read: STALKER
), and from what I’ve seen you have so much to offer! Keep going and don’t let anything hold you back 
I want to reach through the computer and give you a hug – but not in the creepy, undead Grudge girl way
It took a lot of courage to share something so personal that happened to you, and I’m glad to hear that you’ve got support to go through the process of picking up your academic path. I still find it amazing that parents place so much pressure on their children and act as if it doesn’t affect them in any way except to succeed.
Thanks for sharing this.
I can feel the hell you have been through.
i have no doubt you’ll succeed in every way with your academic career – you’re gonna win after a long battle!
best of luck in everything you’ll do!
Long time reader here. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
I’ve heard and seen far too many cases of fellow Asians being handled this way by their parents. The constant pressure to excel in everything. However, it’s more prevalent in Korean and Chinese culture, I believe. Perhaps Japanese too but I’ve yet to hear such a story from one.
Yes, it is important to do well and be a happy family. But your mom really was being unnecessarily unfair by endangering your life and making you stay with your extremely volatile brother. ):
Wow, this is such a moving entry.
I hope things will be getting better for you soon, you’re a strong person from what I can tell, it’s a shame you had to suffer like this. Sigh! Especially since everyone views family as the biggest support, all too often it just isn’t true. *hug!
what are daily light therapy sessions to fix the circadian rhythm?? I’m just wondering since my sleeping habits are messed up from the depressive and self-destructive phase I was in two years ago. its getting in the way of attending classes (yay and boo, im back in school)
[...] continued to Pt. 2 [...]
To write your story out here and share it with the readers, you must be pretty open about the subject now. I suppose you have to unless your problem will be forever hidden in your heart that can only tolerate THIS much! I’m sure you felt a lil better after writing a long post about it!
I grew up in a… weird Chinese family <_._<”
Oh my MYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
My comment got fcked up, I think it’s because of my emoticon… SHUCKS!!!
I wrote A LOT TOO…. a lot… and darn I don’t feel like writing this again T_T I’m sad now lol. Seriously I wrote you an essay T_T
Okay long story short.
-I got “mentally abused” by my mother when I was young. Forced to do many things, following asian standards of “the greater good” for their youngsters. Piano. Extra homework. UGh.
- I suffered from.. seclusion. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my high school classmates (they weren’t really my friends, i dunno I was never able to really understand and become “one” with them) so I lacked experienced in social interaction. I started meeting new friends in college (grew up in canada) and thats when I had to stab my shy heart with a courageous knife. I succeeded, bled some cold sweats but in the end it was all well worth it.
I hated Prom.
- I was always behind my big brother’s shadow. He’s a nerd so, yeah pretty self explanatory. Mama’s boy. I was always being compared to. Low self-esteem, felt stupid. (I used to hate him, now as I’m more mature, I love my brother even though we’re 8 years apart. He’s such a sweet heart).
- Mother kicked me from the house many times. Slapped me many times. Dreamt of oh dear sweet mother chasing after me with a Chinese knife. Locked me in dark rooms in the basement to reconsider all the “bad things” I’ve done. Locked me in my room for studying (which I never did, I always drew haha… We all rebel once in a while).
- One day I decided to blow up and tell her how I REALLY FELT inside deep down my heart. Everything has been gathered up like a ball of wool… Took me many times to talk to her about it. She always speak in the middle of my sentences but I NEVER LET HER THIS TIME! I was screaming with her, gosh I still remember that. Took me a lot of effort. My dad was in pain (he doesn’t like drama in the family) poor daddy (but he never really played a father role in my life (ouch?). I do love my daddy though).
She finally understood and now… she had loosened up from me. I modernized her =D I got to make her think “outside the asian box”.
- I love my mom <3 I understand why she had made me grew up painfully lol… I know she only wanted the best for me (good grades=promising future, which i doubt). Now I’m different from my high school buddies. They’re all.. party people, don’t do their best at school (despite me not being a straight A student, I try to very hard (haha, OH REALLY?)
——————————————————————-
Anyways, my whole point of this LONG comment is that there will always be people who can solve their inner most problem with the help of others (you are receiving lotsa help!) Glad you let others reach out for you!
If one day you are unable to feel loved or to receive help from the people around you out there, there will be always BLOGGERS =) We, your fellow readers, will always help youuu (some do!)
I know your situation is graver than mine was, you really do have a big dilemma. If I were in your situation I wouldn’t know if I would be able to handle that kind of situation so “gracefully”.
I have to say this but, your 23/25? year old brother needs to grow out of his Pampers, REALLY!
Maybe you need to have some screaming lessons with your mom like I did, maybe it would really help. I said stuff similar to “have you ever thought of how I felt, from my point of view all along, mother, as your daughter???” … “even though I am your daughter, that I should follow everything you say, I still have the right to make my own decisions at this age.”
She will prolly get really angry, but once she calms down i think she will start to digest your true feelings. You have to be strong
[ off topic: I wonder if you started drawing because of your sadness? I have ]
Sorry for this long comment, I’m leaving now -_-;;
*copies whole comment in case this doesn’t work, again.*
This is exactly what I'm like right now. I've missed about 3 months of school already and Idk what the hell I'm doing or wtf im meant to do.
Crap.