Counselors, teachers and therapists out there should be aware. Telling your Korean-American young adult/teen/adolescent/child patients to “talk to your parents about your problems; let them know how they make you feel when they say/do certain things; organize your thoughts in a letter so you can reason with them” is the equivalent of telling them to “provoke your parents further into anger for even considering disobedience and have them crush you into something so small and flat that you’ll regret ever having been born”.
I often wonder if I should have just switched majors and really dove into researching family problems that 1.5 generation Asian-American women are involved with. When one has long been exposed to a cultural mindset that is so different from what one’s parents have grown up believing, one realizes that much of “truth” is often subjective. Sense of what is “good” seems so obvious, like anybody else should understand and agree with you, but for someone else, your sense of “good” may seem warped and ridiculous. When the you vs. someone else becomes you v.s your own parents, you feel yourself sidestepping turmoils of brooding war.
It drives me crazy, even after having declared separation and living apart from my family, that I am spoken to and treated as if I’m a rebellious 13-year-old who needs to “come to her senses any day now”. Twenty-seven does not make me old nor wise, I know this, but they still insist on telling me how to eat, how to breathe, how to live, how to love, how to think and, even, how to feel.
I could point all this out to them and they’d only say, “There’s nothing wrong with it.” I’m serious; they literally tell me to LIKE and APPRECIATE and ACCEPT the hell they impose.
So, I left and I let them see me and talk to me on my terms. Yet, I still feel like they have a grasp on me. I’m constantly second-guessing myself because I’m worried about how THEY might feel about each and every action I take and every decision I make. I’m constantly feeling the pressure to fall back into the rut of pitifully pursuing the lifestyle they demand of me, even though I know I’ll fail miserably at it simply because I can’t stand it.
Yes, at this close to ending my 20s, I’m still lost and feeling very, very small.
I am alienman. Writing a small blurb about myself is the hardest thing to do. "Blurb" is a funny word.
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I understand what you’re going through, having experienced it myself. My parents may not be the ‘typically Asian’ when it comes to family traditions, but they’ve always been rather strict and authoritative. Americans tend to be overtly articulate, and they place ‘too’ much emphasis on ‘talking things out’. There is nothing wrong with that per se (and it is, most of the time, still the best way to go), but American pop culture would have you believe that issues are resolved at one sitting.
Time, distance, and communication are the three key factors in resolving family conflict (I had to come to the other side of the world for my parents to learn to back off). I do believe that ultimately, parents all want their children to be happy and successful in life (definition of happiness and success may differ and hence the conflict), so as long as you continue to be happy and do well, I’m sure your parents will come around to your way of thinking!
I agree. Somethings, well, most things aren’t meant to be discussed with Asian parents. They just don’t get it, and we have to be a lot more self reliant with our emotions and issues. I had that sort of relationship with my mom until I came back from college. Some switch flipped, and I’m now able to have a civil conversation with her. Maybe at some point your parents will eventually come around, too.
Not to be insensitive…you’re 27?!!! You look so good for your age! All this time I thought you were in your late teens/early 20s! At least that’s one good thing about being Asian.
Thanks for the supportive comments, guys
Also, I’m flattered that you guys find me so young-looking ^^; Maybe it’s the pictures, haha, I don’t think I look that young
Then again… I’ve had to look at this face for 27 years, lol.
Thanks for the supportive comments, guys
Also, I'm flattered that you guys find me so young-looking ^^; Maybe it's the pictures, haha, I don't think I look that young
Then again… I've had to look at this face for 27 years, lol.